留学文书写作方法之摆事实

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《史蒂夫·乔布斯传》(SteveJobs:ABiography)的序言里有这样一段话:

我认识他是在1984年,当时他来曼哈顿的时代-生活大厦(Time-LifeBuilding)与编辑们共进午餐,顺带夸耀他的麦金塔电脑(Macintosh).那个时候他的脾气就不太好,他攻击《时代》杂志的一名记者,因为对方报道的一个故事暴露了太多事实而让他觉得受到了伤害.但后来,通过与他的对话,我发现自己被他的强烈情感所吸引,就如同其他很多人多年来受到的吸引一样.自那以后,我们就一直保持联系,即便在他被迫离开苹果公司时也未中断.当他需要推销某样产品时,比如一台NeXT电脑或者一部皮克斯(Pixar)出品的电影,他的个人魅力就会突然间再次聚焦到我的身上,他会带我去曼哈顿下城的一家寿司餐厅,告诉我他正在兜售的东西是他制造出的最棒的产品.我喜欢这个家伙.

其实,作者通过这段话想说的是“我喜欢这个家伙”,但是他并不只是简单地说出这个结论,而是罗列出若干事实或具体事例来展现乔布斯的可爱、直率,甚至暴躁,这些事例汇聚在一起就构成了乔布斯独特的个人魅力,从而使“我喜欢这个家伙”的结论显得顺理成章.笔者将这种写作方法称为摆事实.摆事实是留学文书Essay(短文)写作中经常要用到的写作方法之一.简单地说,摆事实就是我们在说一个人好时,不能只简单说一句“他真是个好人”,而要把他做过的好事一件件写出来,通过具体的事例让人知道他是如何好.

方法分析

在简单了解何为摆事实的写作方法之后,下面笔者主要谈谈在Essay写作中如何运用这种方法.

第一,要实事求是.Essay的内容要真实可信,申请者不能为了追求效果而夸大其词,比如,所举事例要与申请者的身份相符.有位中学生在Essay中提到自己乐于助人,帮助他人就业.这样的例子稍稍想一下就知道不真实,因为解决就业问题显然超出了中学生的能力范围.还有位中学生在Essay中提到了自己去参加实习的经历,他写道“在实习中负责协助业务经理处理日常邮件,跟踪订单,参与客户商谈”.他列举的这些经历也经不起推敲,不要说他只是一位中学生,就算是研究生,在实习阶段也未必能有这样的实习机会.所以,在写Essay时,申请者首先要问一下自己:“这事儿我信吗?”如果连你自己都不相信,就别指望招生官相信.

第二,要注重细节.既然是写一件事情,那么内容就应该包括最基本的5W1H要素(when、where、what、who、why、how),否则很难把一件事情(特别简单的除外)讲清楚.在此基础之上,申请者再辅以更为具体和必要的细节,文章就会丰满起来,人物也会变得更立体.很多学生写的Essay很空泛,真实的事情写出来却像检测的一样.还有的学生不知道应该如何提供细节,文章看似面面俱到,但实则外强中干,读来如同嚼蜡.例如,有学生写自己帮助爷爷干农活的事,他这样写道:“Ilivewithparentsinthecity,butmygrandparentsstillliveasimplefarminglifeinthecountryside.Inthefall,aharvestandseedingseason,mygrandparentsaskedmetolendahand.Outonthefieldthefirsttime,Iwaseagerbutclueless.Mygrandfatheraskedmetosowtheseedsofwinterwheatwhilehefertilizedthesoilwithsome“specialfertilizer”—chickenandcowmanure.IlookedatGrandpa.Eightyyearsold,withawrinkledface,hebentlikeabow,workingmeticulously.Ifollowedhiootstepstryingtoimitatehim.Nextcameplowing,sowingandweeding.IgraduallygotusedtomanuallaborandwasgladthatIlearnedsomefarmingskills.”原稿最大的问题在于,有些地方描写太过抽象,缺乏细节描写.按照摆事实的写作方法,我们对上文划线部分做如下修改:“ButwhenIbeganworking,IbreatheddeeplyandwhatcameatmewasthemostdisgustingthingIhadeverexperienced!Iturnedaroundandfoundmygrandfatherwascarryingabasketfilledtothebrimwithchickenandcowmanure.Hewasscatteringthemaboutwithhishands,andIscreamedinhorror.Mygrandfatheriledandsaidtome:‘Thatwhichstinksistherootofthedeliciouswheat.’Iwasdumbfounded.”在修改稿中,我们补充了具体、形象的细节,从“我”闻到肥料时的反应到对肥料桶的描写,再到对爷爷的回应,不管是事件还是人物,一下子都鲜活了起来.

第三,切忌浮夸.既然是摆事实,那就要用事实说话,不要在语言上进行过多不必要的雕琢或粉饰.真实的事件本身就蕴含着一种打动人心的力量,这种力量不需要通过华丽的词藻来表现.比如,上文所举的例文中提到“Mygrandfatheriledandsaidtome”,这句话里只用一个简单词汇ile就把爷爷亲切的形象表现了出来.有些同学却喜欢把自己说成apersonwhoisdedicatedtohelpingthepoor、anangel或aknight,这样的描写效果会大打折扣.实例讲解

下面我们通过对一篇Essay例文的分析,在实战中了解如何运用摆事实的写作方法.

原稿:MyKnightlyLife

Myfamilyhasaproudtraditionofrewardingthegoodandpunishingthewrong.Asthegeneralmanagerinastate-ownedenterprise,mygrandpahasspenthislifehelpingemployeestolivemoreprosperouslives.MyfatheristhePresidentoftheXXXBankinQinghaiProvince,oneofthepoorestinChina.Hedevoteshimselftohelpingliftpoorfamiliesoutofpoverty.GodknowswhatIamgoingtodointhefuture,butIhopeIcaninfluenceothersinanequallypositiveway.

Duringhighschool,Imetseveral“backwardstudents”whooftenskippedclasses.Wewereallfondofplayingbasketball.MyteacherstartedworryingbecauseIwasnowhangingoutwith“bandits.”Rumorsspread.Theteachersummonedmyfathertoschoolandreportedmy“devastatingandcrucialchanges.”Fortunately,mydadandIhadaman-to-manconversation.Itoldhimhowthesekidsoftenplayedbasketballandchattedabouttheirexperiencesoutsideschool.Forexample,Hanyangoftenworkedandcarriedthingsonhiotorbikeforhiather,andFutaoboughtamobilephoneforhiother.Moreover,theycouldnotchoosetheircurrentlives;theywerenotborninfamilieullofloveormoney.Intheend,myfatherandIdecidedwewouldhelpthemone-by-one.Yangliasked,“Whatcanwedo?Wedon’theanydegreeorskill.”Isaid,“Myfatherworksinthebank.Canyoucount?Canyoukeeprecords?”Heasked,“Dotheyrequireanydegree?”Isaid,“No,theonlyrequirementisworkinghard.It’sbetterthansittingidle.”Theytookmyadviceandworkedontheservicestaffinthebank.

Afterafewmonths,Hanyangsaid,“Ihealongwaytogobeforebeingaformalemployee.”HepluckeduphiscouragetogobacktohighschoolandthenenteredBeijingInformationScienceandTechnologyUniversity.

Trustme!Thisisn’tafairytale.WhatIsaidistrue.AfterIenteredseniorhighschool,everyonepursuedtheirowngoals.Gaoyunwenttothemilitaryacademy;ZhaochiwenttoXXXUniversitytostudyoilpainting;Futaoisnowaprojectmanagerinthebankandearns8000RMBpermonth.ChuanminmajoredinmedicineandworksintheradiologydepartmentatXXXUnionMedicalCollegeHospital,andZhaohanwenttotheforestrybureau.Lileididn’tfindajobfittinghiajor,butwenttotheTrafficPoliceBrigade.

Dadtoldmehow,owingtomyinsistence,hehadthechancetoaffectthesepeople’slives.Theyhadbeeinspiringstories,insteadoftheopposite.Iamhappyandproudtowalkonmyownpath,eventhoughImaybemisunderstoodandsuspectedbytheothers.Iwillinsistontreatingeveryonewithafairattitude,andlendingthemahandwhentheyneed.

点评:这篇文章的问题比较大.首先,第一段谈到父亲做好人好事时,并没有举出具体事例,划线部分的表达都显得比较浮夸,第二段划线部分也是缺乏细节描写,没有交代清楚前后关系.其次,在举自己和父亲帮助同学的具体事例时,最后帮助的结果不能令人信服.倒数第三段划线部分所列出的都是“坏学生”们后来的出色表现,但这很难证明都是作者和父亲帮助的结果.再次,作者写帮助他人就业这样的例子也难让人信服.针对以上问题,我们做如下修改.

修改稿:Iconsidermyselfabasketballbuff.IwatchquitealotofAmericanNBAbasketballandCBA,theChineseversionofNBA,onTV.NotonlydoIwatchthegames,Ispendmuchofmyleisuretimeplayingonthecourttoo.Thencamethefinalyearofmymiddleschool.Allofmyregularteammatesstoppedshowinguponthecourtbecausetheyweresimplytoobusypreparingforhighschoolqualifyingexamtoplay.Iwas,ofcourse,undermuchpressuremyself,likeeveryoneelse.Agoodexamresultmeantagoodhighschool;amediocrescoremeantamediocreschooltomatch.Muchwasatstake.However,IlovedbasketballsomuchIstillfoundtimetoplay,thistimewithabunchofguyswhowerenotasinterestedinacademicsandwhoweresaidtoheskippedclassesbefore.

留学文书写作方法之摆事实参考属性评定
有关论文范文主题研究: 关于中学生的论文范本 大学生适用: 在职论文、学校学生论文
相关参考文献下载数量: 44 写作解决问题: 如何写
毕业论文开题报告: 文献综述、论文目录 职称论文适用: 论文发表、初级职称
所属大学生专业类别: 如何写 论文题目推荐度: 优秀选题

Someofmyteachersstartedworryingaboutme.TheysummonedmyfathertoschooltolethimknowthatIwashangingoutwithproblemkids.Whenmyfatherreturnedhomethatday,hewantedtotalktome.Knowingthepurposeofhisvisittotheschool,Ihalfexpectedhimtolashoutatmeforbefriendingthosebadguys.Tomysurprise,hewasnotangryatmeatall.Hewantedtohearmysideofthestory.So,ItoldhimaboutwhatIknewofHanyangandFutao,andacoupleofothers.Hanyang’sparentsweredivorced,thatIknew;Futao’atherhadlosthisjob;oneguywasconsideringquittingschooltoearnmoneytosupporthisailingparents.Theyallseemedtometobenormalkids,exceptthattheywerepoor;someweredesperatelypoor.Myfatherthoughtforamoment,thenproceededtosaythathewasokaywithmeplayingbasketballwiththemandthatheandIshouldthinkofwaystohelpthesekids.

Inthedaysandweeksthatfollowed,mydadandIdideupwithaplan.Wesuggestedsomedifferentpart-timejobstoHanyangandFutao,whichtheyacceptedandwepaidthemedicalbillortheother.Icountmyblessingsoften:myfatherisasuccesul,albeitverybusyman;heallowetomakejudgmentcallsandtruststhatIwillmakethemtothebestofmyability;heisagenerouspersonwhocaresdeeplyaboutthosewhoarelesortunate.

MybasketballfriendsandIhemovedontodifferentplaces,butwestillkeepintouch.IknowFutaoisnowafulltimeprojectmanagerofalocalbank:thesamebankmydadandIgothimapart-timepositionin;HanyangiscurrentlyafreshmanatXXXInformationScienceandTechnologyUniversity.Sadly,itisnownexttoimpossibletogettogethertoplaybasketballagain,butwheneverwegetonthephonewetalkaboutitallthetime.

点评:原稿中作者为了表扬自己不惜夸大其词,修改稿中我们把难以令人信服的赞美之词去掉,剩下一个真实可信的故事.由于作者的父亲比较有实力也有能力去帮助贫困学生,所以修改稿中我们把“功劳”归功于父亲,即便这样,我们也没有夸大作者父亲的作为.这从一个侧面反映了作者本人的低调和谦虚.